I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
