it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
