just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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