I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
