My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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