He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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