so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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