The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
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No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
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I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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