i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize