You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
