Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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