I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
