I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
