My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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