My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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