She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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