brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize