Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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