sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
