i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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