My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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