I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
