Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
