remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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