Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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