Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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