all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
