We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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