I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
