gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
