There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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