We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
