My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
