Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
