College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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