I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Its about making memories worth repressing
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
