If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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