I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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