You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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