You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
