my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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