My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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