it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
