Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
