Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So vagazzling was a success
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
