I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
