Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
