Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
