you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she told me i tasted like america
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
