i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
