You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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