He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
