omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
