im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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