I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
