4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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