your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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