she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
