When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
