i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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