I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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